HAPPY BIRFDAY!!

To my best friend and sister!

MISH!!!

I love you!!

Now I think I won't have such a hard time with being 23 since you're 23 with me! YAY!

I will see you in less than 12 hours WOO HOOO!!

Past month in a nutshell.....

WHERE ..........did January go?

It's almost over!

Well this month was a VERY productive month for me which makes me feel a little complete. I opted to wait a month to go to Washington so I could catch up after Christmas and I've been working my little bottom (ok it's really not that little but it's getting there) at work and at the gym.

THE GYM!

I have been going no less than 4 days a week it has given me my own little high I guess....it just makes me happier and I've lost 4 lbs. YAY!

My Birthday....on the 9th of this month I turned 23

...I feel super old....

I know I'm actually not I just feel that way last year was no big deal but for some odd reason I thought that 23 would never come...it did and 24 is on the way. But that's ok :)

Blessings have been coming in swift proportions the past month which I'm so grateful for. It's been a sure roller coaster for the last two years but I feel like it's leveling. I went to church with my roommate this past Sunday and I don't know what it was but life just fell into place. I started writing a diary (not literally writing but it's a blog all to myself about my days so I remember how I'm feeling or something I thought was funny) after watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button for the first time. Which has helped a TON to sort out how I've been feeling it's like therapy on it's own.

SO CHURCH....back on topic. Was the Sunday I needed!!! I have wanted to change and I know I've needed to I just haven't felt the yearn quite yet or the distinctive feeling I used to feel when I was 17 that I could do anything and be anything and just be happy! I usually despise relief society it just has never been my favorite thing but this lesson we had....

The teacher handed out articles ....

"Repent.....That I May Heal You" Elder Neil L. Anderson

I bit the back of my tongue to hold back tears of the grateful feeling I had toward Heavenly Father. Holy Cow that is exactly what I needed. I needed to know that no matter what I can be forgiven and the road isn't easy I just have to press forward and do what's right.

If you haven't read the article it's amazing and you should give it a go.

Such a new outlook..... I know I've said it before but I feel like I just had a meeting with Heavenly Father and he hugged me

With working out making me feel the way I have it's made me super happy....and the yearning to never miss a Sunday at church has also got this happy go lucky attitude in my head. I don't care that I'm a year older...I really just understand that with age comes growth of wisdom. I might not be caught up with everyone else my age and married with children or going to school but we all have our own paths and I'm so grateful for the road that has been lain before me.

So that's January so far this month I've rearranged my work schedule to beable to attend church this Sunday then the following Sunday I'll be in Rexburg for Michelle's Birthday. :)

***On a side note I've been saving for a digital camera so hopefully I'll start putting more pictures up :)

New Years New Views

So to recap on a few months of life....
November I've turned my life around for the last and final time hopefully. I have found that some things in life no matter how numb they make you feel won't ever numb unhappiness. You choose to be happy. You choose to love yourself. I've had a pretty messed up personal view of myself over the years and have gotten lost now and again. December came and I was feeling great going to the gym, making great money at work, being all around happy. The stress of the holidays got closer but everything turned out because I kept my chin up. I can't say that I'm the closest to Heavenly Father I've ever felt but I'm getting there, I still have my tiffs with him but usually in the end there is always the reminder that he knows what I need. The stress of the holidays passed when I got to Las Vegas. I know right? Las Vegas for Christmas? Well one of my favorite family members lives there and my favorite family was there for Christmas. I met Rayme, Donna, Nicole, and Michelle in Vegas for Christmas. It was GREAT. I love being around family for holidays even if they aren't blood they are family to me.
WARNING MAY GET A LITTLE MUSHY...
I love seeing my Godsend Parents what an example they are to me. One of my favorite parts of the weekend is Michelle sharing with us how Mom and Dad have made their marriage successfully last over the years. Communication is the answer Michelle shared with us. :) There is a funny story that happened a few hours afterwards about Mom and Dad's communication skills that had us laughing. It works for them though! They still love each other and adore each other. They set a great example for their children (blood and adopted). When I left Vegas all I could think of was how I felt around them. I have my moments of being down but they go away when I am near them and I believe its the spirit they carry. I love Nicole and she is so spiritual and so determined and achieved. She is so pure in heart. I had to leave Sunday morning early because I had to work that evening...I hugged them each goodbye and with each hug I knew I would have to inch closer to the door and head back somewhere I don't want to be...I cried as I hugged Rayme, being my last hug. I got to my car and realized I didn't have my wallet and I got a call saying I left my new Ipod too...lol I just didn't want to leave yet. I ran back upstairs and grabbed them real quick. I know growing up is a part of life and it's hard to I just promised myself I would let my light shine through so I could feel the spirit the way I feel it with the Chapins. I cried a lot of the way home....but I knew it would be alright.
Back from Christmas....tonight was new years eve...and I hate new years. It really doesn't matter to me. I went out with friends after work to a house party. I was their driver because I no longer partake in the wilder side of life. I watched all these people at this house say here's a drink and I would say no thanks and they looked at me and were puzzled. They told me I wasn't fun because I wasn't laughing but the thing is, I didn't look like an idiot...A lot of them apologized to me and I said it was fine because it was. I've been in their shoes and one girl made the comment someday I'll be done with all of this and get married in the temple. Slap in the face. I felt for her...because I was once her not long ago. If you know what makes you happy and you know what you ultimately want why change? I honestly at one point didn't know what I wanted I still don't know exactly what I want or where I'm going. I do know what makes me happiest though and after I got home my AMAZING AWESOME roommate Shea had just gotten home also. We talk often and she had had a rough night. Questioning her self worth and her self image...if you all knew Shea you would understand she is gorgeous inside and out! A great spirit! She said something about her worth and I remembered the book that I carry in my car with me and where ever I go just in case I need it. I've mentioned it before but the You Are Special children's book. I read it to Shea because whenever I feel down I read it because I know it's a symbolism of Heavenly Fathers love for me. My roommates are awesome and I couldn't have asked for a better situation. Not only did reading that to Shea help Shea hear something she really needed but it helped me also. I'm grateful for this year and the learning experiences it's given me along the way. This new year I'm going to live by this quote and make it to the fullest:

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light not our darkness, that frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?

Actually, Who are you not to be?

You are a child of God. You playing small does not serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.

It is not just in some of us, it is in everyone.

And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.

-Marianne Williamson

I need to let my own light shine. I want to look in the mirror and be happy knowing that I am making the most of my life. So first thing is first I'm putting off all vacations till debt is payed. I want to visit Washington so bad but I need to get a handle on debt and on this year start out strong so that when fall comes around and a new school year starts that is the only thing I'm worried about. I look forward to 2010 it holds so many great things in store!

HOMESICK!!

All this new stuff going on has really made me miss Washington! I miss my friends and fun! I miss the rain it makes me so happy when it rains. I miss the family around me...not just blood but my ward family. Ferndale Second Ward! I miss NORMAL people aka non utahns!

I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING TO COME BACK! I hate how ugly it is here! I hate people here. I have three good friends here and that's about it. I just want to go home.

It's sorta like when kids are sick and they say "I want my mom" it's like that Washington is my mom. I have friends, loved ones, and happiness there. I'm coming home! Not yet but soon!

So lets all pray that I can come home by next august and everything goes as planned cause I'm outta here!!!

The End

Oh growing into a woman SUCKS!

So I've been on this kick to try to manage my time better. I've wanted to lose weight so I've been going to the gym...trying to eat better. I have school, work, and the gym. A little play time here and there. So in the last month this has been my life...
MOVE!
I have new roommates :) I live in a townhome with a girl I work with who I spend most of my playtime with! Super kids together....Kristyn:) is her name and when we're together gigglings the game. Another roomie is Annie she lives upstairs super smart fun girl! And Shea lives downstais with me :). She's sooo fun and we get along great! I love my roommates they are soooo fun!
SCHOOL!
So I'm only taking two classes....but they are two classes in a subject I hate the most! Dreaded English...you think i'm being dramatic but I DESPISE ENGLISH! Oh well just a few more months and well it's only two classes that are now out of the way right?
GYM & EATING
Thanks to seeing myself in a rear mirror I've realized I have the worst saddlebags in the world...they are attatched it's not the jeans! I started a cleanse last week went to the gym everyday ate healthy...and man I am awkward. Just a few more weeks and I'll get back. On a plus side I have found a new favorite food! I love love love Yogurt Delights...Caramel, Chocolate Raspberry, and Lemon mixed with Granola! THEY ARE AMAZING. I have the worst sweet tooth and it curbs it. Try it!
FREE TIME
I don't have much free time I don't talk to anyone because it seems like I am always running around. I'm constantly tired but my mind doesn't stop running. EEk! But I am having a lot of fun I feel sorta successful with life right now.
FUTURE PLANS
Well due to tears in the family right now...I am spending halloween, thanksgiving, and christmas ALONE! I've spent the first two alone before but this will be my first christmas on my own. But have no fear friends...I'm going to buy myself gifts here and there and wrapping them putting them under a tree and I will have myself a great christmas. Plus I'll spend the whole day at the movie theater woo hoo!!! So this is a small catch up on fall so far for me. Thank you all for reading love you miss you! Sorry lately I've been invisible.

TO WILLEM ON HIS SPECIAL DAY!

I would like to do a post on my oldest and very first nephew Willem! He's 3 years old today!! YAY! Happy Birthday Willem this one is special because 3 was my number in sports and it's the best number in the world! So this is a very special birthday indeed! I hope you know that you have soooo many Aunties and Uncles that love and adore you because you, my dear, are the first child on both your mommy's and daddy's sides and you are just so darn CUTE! Everyone should remember this day cause this kid is a DOLL!

I would like to thank Kimberly personally for giving me such a great nephew. He's cute and so smart! I can't wait to be close to you guys again (not sure when that will be). Thank you for raising him Kimberly and being such a great mom! We're so grateful for you and the fact you're giving us such great nephews and hopefully someday soon we'll get a neice??? :) Kip thanks for chipping in too, I'm sure Willem gets some good traits from you....can't think of any off the top of my head...JUST KIDDING!

So Willem HAPPY BIRFDAY!!!! If you beg Daddy to watch PageMaster as you get older you'll understand that on the Nichols side why we say that in a goofy voice for fun! Willem you're only three and there are about A BILLION things I love about you but I'll list one for every year deal?

1. YOU'RE BIG EYES!!! They are so pretty!

2. How SMART you are, you have done everything so fast and I'm not around you much I know but I watch the videos and read all the blogs mom and dad do for you!

3. Your singing, whether it's Bob the Builder or anything else it's seems that in 90% of videos mommy and daddy have of you, you are singing your heart out bud!

The list will grow more and more as the years go by buddy! I love you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

HE KNOWS WHAT'S BEST

So as most of you know I have been stressing about court this past month. Trying to do everything I can so I can be done with a past life and move on. I thought this was cruelty and I was being punished once again. I turned to family and friends for advice and comfort. I prayed constantly for this problem to just be solved because I am and was so tired of dealing with it. Well once again Heavenly Father has shown me I don't know what's best for me. He has my best interest at heart and mind always. He is all knowing!

This past week was a humbling experience. Full of tears, prayers, anxiety, hives, starvation, and probably a hundred other things. Starting with Monday I stopped sleeping...I slept but not well...and I didn't want to get out of bed. I started having nightmares, and having anxiety attacks. I would wake up in cold sweats. The nerves were starting to get to me for Thursday. Wednesday I had almost everything done! I still didn't sleep an ounce. I stayed up reading scriptures, praying, and begging to just have it be done quickly. I didn't want to fight. I'm so sick of anger and contention around me. I read a book Nicole gave me a million birthdays ago that is by far my favorite childrens book. "You Are Special" by Max Lucado. You can laugh but that book reminds me that I shouldn't care about all these terrible things that are going on with me or people say about me it only matters what Heavenly Father thinks. I know he loves me. I then in the middle of the night moved on to "Stand A Little Taller" I needed advice and just a calm.

August 20th

ESTEEM FOR OTHERS

Therefore, Strengthen your brethren in all conversation, in all your prayers, in all exhortations, and in all your doings.

-Doctrine & Covenants 108:7

Do not indulge in put-downs, in pessimism, in self recrimination. Never make fun at the expense of another. Look for virtue in the lives of all with whom you associate.

I have a temper on me, I always have. It's hard for me to not get angry if someone pushes my buttons or puts me down. I wasn't angry all the sudden I was going to court. I just knew it would work out. I needed to trust everything was ok and stop wishing for something bad to come around to those who were taking me to court. I felt calm on the inside. I left early my shirt nicely pressed, hair nicely curled, makeup light but perfect. I wanted to be as nice on the outside as I felt on the inside. I harbored no hard feelings.

I walked into the court building two minutes after 8:00 a.m. I sat there twisting my ring on my finger which has the footprints poem engraved all the way around it. I started to shake. I saw lawyers pass and wondered maybe I should have gotten a lawyer to bring with me....then I thought maybe he won't show and I'll just end up being totally tossed around by his lawyer. Prayer started to run through my head..."Please Heavenly Father, calm me down, let me breath.." I got up and quickly made my way to the restroom...I hadn't eaten in over 12 hours and threw up the liquid contents in my stomach. I went back over the the bench and sat there trying to calm my heart and keep my hand steady.

At that moment I looked up and saw him come around the corner alone. "Thank You, Heavenly Father." Was the first thought in my head. Thanks for not making me see an angry face that I had seen towards the end of our marriage. He looked calm and serene. So I in follow started calming down. He took a seat next to me. I don't remember who talked first..I think it was me...my heart was still pounding in my head. My eyes were on fire. There was a lot of emotion for me...but none of it was the emotion I expected...I didn't feel anger, contention, jealousy, malice...anything like that. I felt grateful. I walked out of the courtroom with almost everything worked out. There is one thing left and very soon I will take care of it as soon as I am able.

Hugs were exchanged between his dad and I. I've always adored his dad...even though sometimes I can be a brat and push people away. We talked about life and family. It was almost like we were the two people that met almost three years ago and there was purely friendship there. I'm grateful for Heavenly Father and things that I see as trials that turn into blessings.

I walked out to my car...felt free. Released! I looked down at my front tire on the drivers side and it was flat. My first thought was "Crap, I probably hit a nail or something on the freeway and all the air let out while I was in the courtroom." Next thought "Should I go back in and ask them for help?" The final thought " Ha! I'm a big girl I can change this tire and put my spare on I just don't want them walking out and seeing me. I can do this I'm a big girl." So I got out my donut and my tool kit. Started changing my tire. Took my two seperate times to jack up the car....about a billion times falling on my butt....and four hard pulls to get the tire, that felt like it was welded to the axle, off. I laughed almost the entire time thinking "Heavenly Father, your sense of humor is SO funny you give me a good day not one I expected then I get a flat tire!" Ha Ha? :) I saw him and his dad walk out of the courthouse...I ducked...I wanted to do this on my own. I finally got everything back in my car and headed to the South Jordan Les Schwab. I talked to my sister while I waited...about five minutes after they had checked out the tire..the nice gentleman, who treated me like gold after seeing my black smudged face(don't wipe your face even if it's sweaty after changing a tire) and seeing my nice sky blue shirt with grease smudges all over it, came to tell me my tire could not by salvaged.

Me: "Did I hit a nail or something?"

Gentleman: "It actually was slashed....there is a knife slice right on the sidewall"

Me: "hahahahahah are you kidding? Wow Irony!"

Gentleman: "What?"

Me: "Nothing just my car was at the courthouse all morning....oh well. How much to fix it?"

I laughed about it to DeNae. I didn't know who did it. The guy asked if I wanted to call the police or the courthouse. I just haha really didn't care. I wanted to follow what I had read in "Stand A Little Taller." I wanted to be happy all day because I had nothing to be angry about. I got almost everything done. None of the things I stressed over no longer mattered. I felt free...I felt lifted...loved...and best of all happy inside and out. I didn't cry at all later I slept...well and deep! Curve balls aren't always what you expect! You just have to swing and hope you hit a home run! Just thought I would let those of you who knew about my big day in on what happened. I had angels with me thanks for all your prayers and love!